inkskinned:

i have always had this trouble. my soft heart and good listening meant i was always, always, always somebody’s therapist. i was dealing with so much of my own shit that it seemed unfair not to be there for someone else. i knew exactly what it was like to reach out and be shut down because “they don’t have time”. i knew what it was like to have someone say “just go to a therapist.”

it ruined my life. i want to make this very clear. when i was younger and before i got good at boundary settings, it ruined my life. i was so invested in the internal lives of people i still considered “friends” who were using me for endless emotional labor. it completely disregarded that i was also mentally ill and struggling. i was constantly anxious, rarely sleeping, unable to control the actions of not only the other person – but also of myself. i poured hours a day into trying to talk people down from things i couldn’t talk myself down from. wasn’t trained at all. i was triggering myself by talking about certain things, throwing myself into a deeper hole in the hopes i could maybe drag everyone else out.

a lot of these people don’t even talk to me anymore. they found a new therapist and moved on, because they weren’t my friend. they were using me for my advice and time and endless attention. putting myself into their hearts didn’t push all the bad stuff out. it just made me drown in the bad stuff.

and it’s complicated; because i’ve been on both sides of this. desperately needing to just vent, no threat of the police, no professional setting, just me and someone i trust talking. i would fall into bad patches and my family would have to scrape me up. i would spend months in a bad place. needing to be pushed. to be prodded. so how can i say “don’t use your friends as therapists?”

the truth is, there’s a huge difference between leaning on someone versus expecting them to be there for you all the time when you don’t return any of that effort or emotion. i had a “friend” who waited 5 hours until i was home from a loved one’s funeral, and when i said “i’m home”, she just launched into her own problems. i remember sitting on the kitchen floor and sobbing because she literally didn’t even ask if i was okay. she didn’t ask if i was ready. she didn’t even ask anything, she just assumed that i was always there for her, always, and that she didn’t need to be there for me.

and the truth is: i don’t need much. i actually get uncomfortable when my friends thank me a lot. but the difference between a friend and someone you’re treating like a therapist is that friends let friends have their own moments. and i know that we have all had overlapping emergencies. that you know he’s having a really rough time because of his classes but you were just triggered by something you weren’t expecting. but friends are the people who start with “i know it’s a bad time, i just need to vent, are you okay?” not the people who don’t even acknowledge the bad time. not the people who don’t give me the option to say “no, i’m not okay, if it’s an emergency we can talk but i’m in a really bad place and i can’t stand anything else.” i can’t save you while i am also struggling to save myself. friends are the people who maybe, yes, vent – but then give you the option to also share, to have your voice heard. you know that you’ll get a chance. maybe not that day, but soon, if you wanted it.

there is a huge difference between someone asking about my life, genuinely listening and responding, and then talking about their problems, versus someone who basically says “are you gud?? okay here’s my life trauma for you to deal with.” everyone here has been in a conversation where the other person was literally just waiting for you to shut up so they could hear their own voice. that’s what it’s like as a therapist friend, all the time. your life becomes this inconsequential thing to them. peripheral to the help you can give.

and if you’re the therapist friend, it’s hard. do you have any idea how much responsibility i feel, all the time?! the sad thing is yes, i overextended myself and became majorly suicidal because of some of my friend/patients – but i know that if it helped them, just a little, it was worth it. but my personal safety a- mental and physical – shouldn’t be offered at all in the trade.

real therapists, paid-for-it therapists…. they’re not on every hour of the day. they go home and have a home life where their patient isn’t texting them every 18 seconds about a new emergency. that’s because the human spirit can’t survive that. we can’t survive that. and as the therapist friend, it’s hard. we are givers, you know. feel better when helping. 

but learn to set boundaries. i’m so used to the whole therapy thing that i can literally tell when someone is switching from my friend to my patient. i pull out all of my personal information. i put up a bunch of walls. i make their notification different. when i see it’s a message from them, i do a self-check: am i ready for what might be inside? do i have the energy for it? can it wait until i am in a better place? will it ruin my day? 

and learn to say no. be honest. if this isn’t a true emergency, learn to say. actually, no, i don’t want to deal with this. it doesn’t have to be for “a good reason”. it can just be …. that you’re not their therapist. you’re their friend. you saying “no” isn’t being selfish.

i know texting has made it easy to forget this. but …. the next time you’re about to vent to a friend, just ask: “i need to talk about something heavy, are you in a good place?” and when you can, give back. remember to talk about their favorite book, or ask about that party they went to. because it’s okay to lean on people. but just give back a little of the energy you took.